Chaser

When I was 14 years old, I realized I was gay and came out to (almost) everyone in my life. I was going out with a girl at the time and broke up with her by telling her. We stayed friends for a long time after and ironically she turned out to be a lesbian. The strange part about it was that I found out because I developed a crush on a boy... a chubby boy to be specific. This initially didn't seem like such a big deal, until I started telling people. I got some pretty strange looks, and I guess rightly so. Who would want to imagine me making out with a guy, let alone a heavy guy? A lot of my friends poked fun at me for it, not in any really mean way but enough to make me really shy about it for a long time. It's awkward enough explaining to people that I like guys, but chubby guys on top of that? This kinda led me to believe that I was "not normal" or something and that who I was attracted to wasn't who I SHOULD be attracted to. So I tried to force myself to think that the stereotypical male model look was attractive. Needless to say this was futile. In the last couple years I have realized how I was hiding in the same way as every gay man who hides who he really is. I was ashamed of myself for something that I should not be. Who I like is about me, not about anyone else. So... to clarify:

This:




Not this:




In other news, the new Bomb the Music Industry! record fucking blows me away. Although the ska songs get a little annoying and boring (I'm just not into the genre anymore,) tracks like "Fresh Attitude, Young Body" and "25" are really fucking amazing. I'm just digging the high energy piano rocker thing right now. I've also been listening to a LOT of Wu Tang Clan/ODB/Method Man. I've been looking really hard for the kind of hip hop that really appeals to me and I've found it in the raw east coast style that permeates Wu Tang's "Enter the Wu Tang" and Method Man's "Tical." Just a straight up beat and sick rhymes. That's what hip hop should be about in my opinion... although my opinion doesn't really count for much I guess.

I'll update again later... gotta grub out. Live your life.