Ear to Ear

I like being alive right now.
I really do.

-Ryan

Old Things

I used to be a photographer. Then it went away. I don't know what happened. I used to hate myself for abandoning it, but I'm starting to accept the inevitability of constant motion. Who knows, maybe one day I'll find it again. But that's not today. Today I'm going out with a boy. An actor to be more exact. I can't get away from them I guess. He's seems like a sweetheart. I'm kinda freaking out. I haven't done this in a while and I'm almost positive I'll do something retarded. Whatever. Fuck it all.

I'm currently watching videos of Mark Day singing on Canadian Idol on mute while listening to my own music. I have absolutely no desire to hear the shitty music, I just wanna look at him lol. It could be a bad thing that I have trouble thinking of things to write about in here when I'm not stoned. Fuck it all.

I took this picture a long time ago. I'm not the same person anymore.

Explosions In The Sky - The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place

The first post rock record I ever heard and absolutely one of my all time favorites of any genre. Beautiful and powerful on so many levels, this is definitely a great introduction to post rock music in general. When I saw them in April they closed with "Memorial," and words can't even really even convey how intense it was.

Explosions In The Sky - The Earth Is Not A Cold Dead Place

Ugh

Love me James Corden, love me.

Chaser

When I was 14 years old, I realized I was gay and came out to (almost) everyone in my life. I was going out with a girl at the time and broke up with her by telling her. We stayed friends for a long time after and ironically she turned out to be a lesbian. The strange part about it was that I found out because I developed a crush on a boy... a chubby boy to be specific. This initially didn't seem like such a big deal, until I started telling people. I got some pretty strange looks, and I guess rightly so. Who would want to imagine me making out with a guy, let alone a heavy guy? A lot of my friends poked fun at me for it, not in any really mean way but enough to make me really shy about it for a long time. It's awkward enough explaining to people that I like guys, but chubby guys on top of that? This kinda led me to believe that I was "not normal" or something and that who I was attracted to wasn't who I SHOULD be attracted to. So I tried to force myself to think that the stereotypical male model look was attractive. Needless to say this was futile. In the last couple years I have realized how I was hiding in the same way as every gay man who hides who he really is. I was ashamed of myself for something that I should not be. Who I like is about me, not about anyone else. So... to clarify:

This:




Not this:




In other news, the new Bomb the Music Industry! record fucking blows me away. Although the ska songs get a little annoying and boring (I'm just not into the genre anymore,) tracks like "Fresh Attitude, Young Body" and "25" are really fucking amazing. I'm just digging the high energy piano rocker thing right now. I've also been listening to a LOT of Wu Tang Clan/ODB/Method Man. I've been looking really hard for the kind of hip hop that really appeals to me and I've found it in the raw east coast style that permeates Wu Tang's "Enter the Wu Tang" and Method Man's "Tical." Just a straight up beat and sick rhymes. That's what hip hop should be about in my opinion... although my opinion doesn't really count for much I guess.

I'll update again later... gotta grub out. Live your life.

You Have No Constant

-and when I open my eyes I'm looking at a wooden stage from blue seats in an auditorium. There's a warm glow to my left and right and I'm listening to Rancid on my IPOD because I'm 17 years old and not yet scared enough. And two men whose faces I can't seem to recall who are both named Jim scream at each other while their faces swell up in tones of puce and brick red. The warmth on either side of me is comforting, but I can tell its not really there. The warmness is in the space between my ears, and I can't explain why but I know things won't be okay. In the-

-down to see bile leaking from my insides while I scribble everything I never thought of the correct way to phrase. This is fear. This is the incorrect placement of the spacial/linear aspect of my body. And I wish on stars I can't see underneath light pollution. But I can't pretend I care about any of this. I'm so unstable and afraid of what-

-let you choose the movie. You've been working hard all day and I'm sure you can't be too excited to still be here but who knows, maybe it's worth it. And at that one part we somehow knew the cue to lace fingers and the hour later when I asked if I could kiss you in front of my dad's car when we got back to your house after the ride home when he told us why the Greeks called it-

-never slept because we were so young and inspired and full of beauty. On the ride home I could see hints of what would come, of the vast emptiness that I wish so hard I could help you escape from. This was before we were too scared to even be in the same room with eachother. This is before we had to try to believe things that used to just make sense. This is the first-

-said that I dug my own grave in this situation.



-

Not A Point In Space

I feel like the only warm thing in my dark cold house that I can cling too is Matt and Kim. Right now their music is the only thing making me think that things could be okay, at some unspecified point in the future. I want to write acoustic songs about love. I don't know much about love though I guess. What is me? The only me I can approximate is always in motion. I can only see myself when I'm moving. I'm not a point in space, I'm just in the peripheral.

Pilates, Motherfucker.

1. Immortal Technique - Dominant Species
2. Jets To Brazil - Sea Anemone
3. Infest - Cold Inside
4. Matt & Kim - Lessons learned
5. Teenage Cool Kids - Reasons Why
6. Find Him and Kill Him - Cut Them To Pieces
7. Beach Boys - God Only Knows
8. Attack In Black - Marriage
9. Off With Their Heads - S.O.S.
10. Regina Spektor - Better
11. The Loved Ones - Distracted
12. The Hold Steady - Crucifixion Cruise
13. Blink-182 - Another Girl Another Planet
14. Bouncing Souls - We All Sing Along
15. Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize
16. Slingshot Dakota - I-78

I'm going home for the long weekend. Bye.

It's not even a metaphor this time

There's been a plane crash outside of Buffalo. Apparently it crashed into a house and like 50 people died. It's like international news now, and on the front page of all of the news sites. Fucking crazy. It sucks to admit but I'm so indifferent to any event that happens. To me, its like... 50 people died today in an airplane crash... but thousands upon thousands die everyday of hunger, and not that many people are freaking out over that, although they obviously should be... seeing as its something we actually can somewhat control. I'm still probably an asshole, but it looks like everyone else is too.

I exist in a nation of assholes, and I'm one of them.

The most influential band in my life reunited recently. I'm fucking excited. People will try to be all super punx about it, but I guarantee that a good 60% of people who listen to punk rock/hardcore/indie/whatever music would not have discovered any of it if it weren't for Blink-182. Dude Ranch is the best record ever made, no joke.



I actually have been trying really hard to do well in school. I'm kind of thinking about possibly trying to be a teacher or something. Like I can't really think think of any "profession" that I'd want to really get involved with, and I figure teaching might be kinda cool until I figure something else out. I mean I can't really be a philosopher for a living. Don't get me wrong, that would be epic as hell... I could wear a sweet wig. But what color? Or should I just go bald? Oh wait... I already am. Whatever, fuck it. I'm the new John Locke motherfucker!



I'm going to London in a month. Weird.

Peace.

Cheeky - Choke On A Cheesburger

Second and last up in the Quote Unquote bullshitfest... Cheeky. I refuse to call this record anything except "Choke Awn A Cheeseboyga." They're catchy as FUCK, cute as FUCK, angry as FUCK. Be warned... if you listen to this record you'll be called a namby pamby, and a twinkie. If you're all about bro mosh, this is the band for you... except totally not. Besides, the guy in the band is cute. Fuck you.


Cheeky - Choke On A Cheeseburger

Laura Stevenson - A Record

For me, 2008 was the year of Quote Unquote bands... well actually there were pretty much only two new bands/artists besides BTMI, but both of them are fucking stellar. One of these is a folk singer/songwriter from New York City named Laura Stevenson who I first saw/heard at the Fest in October while I was waiting for Eric Ayotte's set. Although a relatively short record (only 8 songs) "A Record" manages to ellicit so many different moods and sounds, thanks in part to the substantial amount of guest musicians featured on the album, including Jeff from Bomb the Music Industry. Some songs are louder and "punker", many are very soft. My personal favorites are "Landslide Song," "Nervous Rex" and "Beets Untitled." Get into it!



Laura Stevenson - A Record

A Saturday Afternoon In February

It kind of felt like I was striding around a room of 19th century British gentlemen, smoking a pipe and admiring all of the mustaches. Waiting for a waiter to bring me brandy. In reality I was just walking around the elevator, but who's to say that what is happening in my head is any less real than what YOU see happening? I'm definitely wrong. Yeah, definitely.

It kind of felt like I was a detective in the 40's at his desk, drinking whiskey and looking at clues when some ridiculously attractive woman (or man in my world) waltzes in and DEMANDS TO KNOW WHERE HER HUSBAND IS (sobbing the whole time,) before she/he collapses into your arms you bang her/him and it turns out she/he stole the address of the murderer from your jacket pocket while you were getting dressed. You find out later that she shot the culprit before turning the gun on herself. In YOUR reality this is just me making a peanut butter and fluff sandwich.