Notes

A Logical Proof:

1. Being the primary music writer for a band is fucking hard.

2. I have some kind of complex that involves me believing everything that I create is completely contrived and shows a lack of musical skill. This is not me looking for compliments, I literally believe these things. Regardless of their validity.

3. What the fuck is wrong with me?

4. Am I self-indulgent? Am I constantly craving attention for things that make me feel good about myself? Do I hate myself? Or do I hate what I see myself doing to the world around me? Is my uncertainty enough punishment? I am not implying god by any means, I know I'm doing this to myself.

6. The most horrible realization that I come to is that I only exist to compare myself to my peers. I'm a fraud in search of acceptance for things that I am not.

7. I'm not sure how much of this is true and how much just exists in my head. Do I become the music I listen to? Do I look for myself in the liner notes? Is it just because I lack any real personality?

8. I'm feeling the beginnings of liberation after admitting these (supposed) truths about myself.

9. Happiness is what happens when you're doing something else. -My Dad

10. I am looking for my own mental limitations. If I said spiritual, would you be less uncomfortable?

11.

Side One Track One

I played my first show ever on Sunday. I finally feel like I'm contributing something to a world that I feel like I've taken so much from. It was nothing special... just the intro, Moving Day, and Table For 7 Party of 2. Surprisingly some people sang along. Weird. Can't wait to play again on the 28th. When we all get home for break we're gunna write new songs, which should be a different and easier process this time around because we have a better understanding of where we want to go with the band. We're also just more comfortable with each other when it comes to playing music now. There is talk of a short tour with Dasha in May. Insanity.

I feel like I would really love doing vocals for some kind of hardcore band, but I feel like I wouldn't be able to do it that well just for the simple fact that I don't really have anything to say. When it comes to playing an instrument you're not expected to articulate your feelings/thoughts in the same way or with the same amount of exactness. Everything that I write always appears really contrived and cheesy when I read later. Plus Trevor made a good point the other day about how terrible bands are who try to fake emotion. I don't know if I really have what it takes emotionally to do it. Whatever.

Heading home in about a week for winter vacation. I slacked off pretty badly this semester, but my roommates gunna try and help me develop some better studying/homework habits because clearly the shit that I'm doing right now is not working haha. I'm excited for vacation though. Playing shows, hanging out with my best friends, possibly getting a job at a factory (?), it's gunna be pretty awesome.

Listen to: Get Bent, Mayflower, Oak and Bone, Human Shapes, Tear It Up, Jawbreaker, Astronautalis, El Ten Eleven, American Football, and Blank Stare

I turn 20 on Sunday.

/youth.