Autobiographical

Here's my soundtrack to 2008 in music as it relates to me. It was a pretty great year for music.

January - Lemuria - Mechanical
February - The Loved Ones - Brittle Heart
March - Paint It Black - White Kids Dying of Hunger
April - Explosions In The Sky - The Birth and Death of the Day
May - The Early November - The Truth Is
June - The Hold Steady - The Swish
July - The Gaslight Anthem - The Patient Ferris Wheel
August - Ceremony - He - God - Has Favored Our Undertakings
September - El Ten Eleven - Lorge
October - Dillinger Four - Gainesville
November - Astronautalis - The Story Of My Life
December - Get Bent - Ridgewood, Son

Okay fuck writing about myself right now, I'll deal with that shit tomorrow.

The Lie

Should I just kick this off with the good old fashioned "Today I...?" Cause I'm planning on gettin' all deep and shit later but I figure I might lead you into a false sense of complacency first. Ah, fuck it, let's do it.

Today I woke up pretty late because my first class on Tuesdays/Thursdays is not until 1:40 pm. Pretty much nothing eventful happened until I actually went to my first class "Dynamics of Poverty." HEAVY. Our (Liz and Tom are in the class) professor is so fucking unintentionally funny. He's like the human version of a mullet. Somehow he manages to be all business and all party simultaneously. He seems to know his shit though. We did this questionnaire thing to see where the class was at as far as what preconceptions we all had about poverty, and one of the questions was something to the effect of "What race do you think is most poverty stricken?" I felt bad for immediately thinking "black people" lol. And when he asked people to shout their answers out loud I was thinking "noone is gunna say it" and it was in fact the very last ethnicity that anyone shouted out. I'm hoping for more lawls in this class, and I'm also hoping to maybe... I dunno, learn stuff too. Lawl. This is one of my first 300 level classes and it seems like it'll be a good amount of work. Plus I have to do volunteer community service hours as part of the requirements of the class (it's like a social work class.)

Anyway, after that class I ate briefly with Tom and then went to "The Meaning of Life." HEAVY. My professor is the same one who taught my zen class last semester. Pretty cool guy. Professor HOLE. He read this very interesting poem that I really kind of struck me called "Dover Beach by Matthew Arnold. Apparently it is relatively well known in the poetry/literature world:

The sea is calm to-night.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits; on the French coast the light
Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand;
Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.
Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!
Only, from the long line of spray
Where the sea meets the moon-blanched land,
Listen! you hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, up the high strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin,
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in.

Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the Agaean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

The Sea of Faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore
Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled.
But now I only hear
Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world.

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

I don't really know if Arnold intended for the poem to be simply about sadness, but the way I interpreted it was a bit different. The narrator seems to be talking about a kind of meaninglessness or emptiness, not unrelated to sorrow but not necessarily chained to it. To really go into detail about what I mean, I'll have to elaborate a little more on my own outlook on meaning. My whole life I have been led to believe that there was some kind of ultimate purpose to it. Maybe I hadn't discovered it yet but it was definitely out there. From time to time I thought I had figured it out. For example, the purpose of life is to be a good person, or to be happy, or to make a difference in the world, or simply to procreate the species. All of these have their own merit in the context of human life, but something never quite fit with any of them, and I believe I'm starting to understand why. If the meaning of life is any of the things I just listed, then where did it come from? I mean, if there is some kind of standard for meaning... then where did that standard come from? Other people? God? My Intro to Philosophy professor would call that appealing to authority, and anyone who actually thinks understands that you cannot know something merely from other people telling you. Let alone the fact that I don't even believe in god (and I do firmly believe that no rational person should make decisions based on something that you cannot verifiably prove exists at all), and thus would not take direction from him/her/it. So should I trust myself? But how could I know something without being told by others? I guess the only conclusion I can come to is that the only real "meaning" (I don't even really know how to define that word) that life has, is to continue the species, because that is the only reason that I have ever found that can be logically and scientifically verified. That is why we do what we do and are what we are, solely for the purpose of surviving in order to make little half clones of ourselves. We're genetically directed to do EVERYTHING that we do, because our DNA is everything that we are. It's kind of depressing but its the closest I can come to truth. But even if it is our only purpose, then what does it matter? In 1000 years my memory won't even still be around, nothing that I have done will have mattered. I'm okay with that. I just wish the rest of the world would admit it. Whatever.

P.S. Eliot - Bike Wreck

Today I will force you to download P.S. Eliot's first demo. Fucking A+. The Lo-Fi quality (whether accidental or not) totally gives this record a unique charm. Although I've heard some of the rerecorded versions/new songs that are better quality on their myspace page and they still rule so something is fucking wrong with these girls. Talent, bah.

1. Bike Wreck!!!!!!!!
2. Broken Record
3. Entendre
4. Like How You Are
5. Tonight
6. Troubled Medium
7. -
8. Gasoline (Bike Wreck Version)


P.S. Eliot - Bike Wreck

I'm a real boy!

Apparently I only work in extremes. Either I'm going a month and a half without writing anything or I want to write nonstop even when I have very little relevant information to relay. Whatever.

So I'm back in Buffalo (Fluffabo) and doing pretty well. I don't know why but I like my room this year so much more than last year. Could be because I hated my third roommate last year, or because I have a lot more room with only one other person, OR because my roommate this year is so cool. I dunno, I just feel like this room is a lot more homey and "lived in" than my room in Perry. At the end of last (school) year, I was pretty sure I wasn't even gunna come back here, but for some reason (laziness probably,) I did... and I'm actually really glad I changed my mind, because if I didn't I wouldn't have become good friends with Eddie, who has turned out to be an awesome guy and a really good roommate.

Anyway, Eddie brought up his TV from home to put in the lounge and we moved mine into the room so we can chill in our room and play video games or watch movies or whatever. It's positioned well so that both of our beds are in clear view for maximum laziness. (Pause)

I've been digging a lot of music with piano lately. (Unpause)

Apparently I forgot to do something with the fridge in our room at the end of last semester that resulted in tons of mold, which Eddie had to clean up because he came back before I did. I feel like a shithead because he had to clean up after me, and he's always been really awesome about stuff like that and I just feel like a douche. Now rambling.

My first class of the semester was at 10 this morning. I tried to get a decent night's sleep last night but I've been going to bed at like 5 AM every day for the past week so needless to say it was kinda difficult. I managed to get my ass up though and go to class. Which turned out to be a decision because not only is my professor attractive, he's fucking BRITISH. EPIC WIN. I don't really have the whole "HOLY SHIT ACCENTS ARE SO FUCKING HOT" thing that a lot of other people do, but if I'm already attracted to the person in question, certain accents are fucking adorable. The class that Sir Cutie is teaching is "Intro to Logic" one of my requirements for my major. I liked the logic unit a lot in Philosophy 101 so I'm pretty stoked on this class. Plus I was forced to meet the people I'm going to be working with on group projects and they both seem really nice. (Pause)

I need to read more, I just feel like writing right now. I also need to eat. (Unpause)

I came back to the room after class and napped so hard that I missed lunch with the girls. Lame. But I at least woke up on time to get to my second class at 2, Pollution, the Environment and Society. Holy shit there's no way we're gunna make it through even one class with out lawling ridiculously hard. First of all, Lisa, Julia, Eddie and Liz are ALL in the class with me. That's a lawlfest waiting to happen. On top of that, there's like 130 people in the class and our professor is this total fucking crazy hippie. She actually seems really cool and knows her shit about how to go about starting to fix some of the fucking evil shit that we have done to the planet. She also seems really aware of the fact that a huge part of the problem is that people continue to find it necessary to breed like fucking rabbits. I hate that shit so fucking much. I'm actually completely in favor of having child limitation laws similar to those in China. I'm not often in favor of government restrictions, but when people act so incredibly ignorant without thought to the damage that they're doing to the world, sometimes governments do need to step in. On a more importan note, she was wearing this total cosby sweater with cats on it. Epic win.

So now I'm sitting in my room, listening to From Ashes Rise, about to enjoy a peanut butter sammich. Today has been a decent day. I'm trying to cut down on how much weed I smoke because it is in fact not good for my health and I'm growing somewhat dependent on it. Plus I'm building up a tolerance... and that shit needs to go.

Alright I've really run out of shit to say now. Go read my friend Sam's blog, she's awesome.

one life altering decision after another

1. Infest - Terminal Nation
2. Fugees - Killing Me Softly
3. Dinosaur Jr. -Feel The Pain
4. P.O.S. - Kidney Thief
5. Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice
6. The Hold Steady - Girls Like Status
7. Built To Spill - Liar
8. Matt & Kim - Cutdown
9. Left For Dead - 6 O' Clock
10. Notorious B.I.G - Juicy
11. Cult Ritual - Electric Depression
12. Zona Mexicana - Bored and Boring
13. Converge - No Heroes
14. O Pioneers!!! - The Architect of Disney World
15. The Beatles - Let It Be
15. Off With Their Heads - Sadie
16. Regina Spektor - Samson
17. Algernon Cadwallader - Some Kind Of Cadwallader

This is one of the most confusing mixes that I've ever made. I don't think any two songs can be categorized together in any way.... let's see we've got power violence, soul/hip-hop, 90's alternative, indie hip hop, 60's pop, bar rock, thrash, gangsta rap, chaotic hardcore, ???, metalcore, orgcore, pop punk, piano pop, and kinsella core. Giggity.

Speaking of Converge, apparently they are playing in Buffalo with Ceremony sometime soon... should be a really cool show, but it's like 15 dollars. I'll still go, whatever.

I went to take this test today to try to get that job working for the census. It was at some Library on West Seneca Turnpike. I got horrendously lost and somehow ended up near Auburn and thus, could not take it. I'm retarded. I'm usually really good with directions.

I don't even know why I'm writing right now, I don't have much in the way of "meaningful" things to say right now. I just kinda felt like writing... I feel kinda weird about going back. I'm definitely happy to be going, I'm just not looking forward to not being able to see several of my best friends as much as I have been.

I need food.

Get Bent - Demo 2008

I doubt that any of these songs have really left my head since I started listening to this a couples months ago. Every song is superb. Soooo catchy with a level of sophistication that a band should not have by its first demo.

1. Sleeping Bag
2. Forest Avenue
3. City
4. Ridgewood, Son
5. Stacked and Shifted


Get Bent - Demo 2008

Realism?

After much research and documentation of evidence, it would only be prudent for me to suffice that "Liar" by Built To Spill is definitively the BEST song to listen to while stoned in your pajamas on a Thursday afternoon in January. Actually, just any Built to Spill song works... they're fucking awesome.

So I've finally pinpointed one of the things that scares me the most about myself that I previously couldn't understand it fully enough to be able to give it a name. It basically amounts to the fact that I'm not sure if I can say with any real conviction or faith that I can really believe that there is any such thing as good or bad. (Pause)

All of the music that I really respond to is generally self deprecating and/or pessimistic, does that mean that I am the same way? I need to stop listening to Built To Spill right now. Now listening to Infest... lol, is that any better? Wow this one part makes me want to crush my skull into 7 thousand fucking pieces. Awesome. I think that the reason I named this blog Human Limitations is because maybe that's what I'm all about... trying to find out what is holding me back in my head from being the kind of person I want to be. I'm not really blaming any external forces here, just looking for what is wrong with my mindset that keeps me from being content? Wow, I'm pretty sure my entire outlook on things changes with whatever music I'm listening to. (Pause)

Apparently I have an unhealthy relationship with the internet. I have like miniature panic attacks if my internet doesnt work and shit. And I get WAY too involved in the websites that I puruse on a daily basis, which include punknews, the 315 board, facebook, lostpedia (NERD OUT) and bbc news. Notice how I didn't say EMAIL. Because the truth is that email kind of aggravates me. I hate having to sift through like 8 fucking billion emails every single day when it's more convenient if people just IM me or send me a message on facebook or something. Not to sound like a fucking stupid 15 year old girl, just talking about convenience. (Pause)

New Matt and Kim record fucking rules. Much room mosh.

In the daylight, anywhere feels like home...?

Who knows.

I keep meaning to continue playing Red Alert 3... I've just been doing other shit. And also, I figure I should leave some things for myself to do when I go back to school. Which would be like 3 days from now. Holy shit. That blows my mind... I had no idea I had such little time. That would make tomorrow that last possible day of employment for me. They'll probably call me tomorrow. That's okay though, I wanna work one last day and at least say goodbye to Laura and Cindy... cause they've both been really cool and I enjoyed working with them. (Pause)

FOLLOW THE SMOKE TO THE RIFF FILLED LAND
DROP OUT OF LIFE WITH BONG IN HAND

la la la make the best of it
take breaks on cloudy days?

I'm sorry I made you sit through this. It was an experiment I guess. I now am going to fill out a job application on the interwebs to try to get a job with the census over the summer so I can get paid mad chedda chedda. I seriously might write again later though. You're a cool guy, Mr. Blogspot.

Fuck the world.