A Logical Proof:
1. Being the primary music writer for a band is fucking hard.
2. I have some kind of complex that involves me believing everything that I create is completely contrived and shows a lack of musical skill. This is not me looking for compliments, I literally believe these things. Regardless of their validity.
3. What the fuck is wrong with me?
4. Am I self-indulgent? Am I constantly craving attention for things that make me feel good about myself? Do I hate myself? Or do I hate what I see myself doing to the world around me? Is my uncertainty enough punishment? I am not implying god by any means, I know I'm doing this to myself.
6. The most horrible realization that I come to is that I only exist to compare myself to my peers. I'm a fraud in search of acceptance for things that I am not.
7. I'm not sure how much of this is true and how much just exists in my head. Do I become the music I listen to? Do I look for myself in the liner notes? Is it just because I lack any real personality?
8. I'm feeling the beginnings of liberation after admitting these (supposed) truths about myself.
9. Happiness is what happens when you're doing something else. -My Dad
10. I am looking for my own mental limitations. If I said spiritual, would you be less uncomfortable?
11.
4 comments:
Wow. You really judge yourself very harshly, peep. Wish you could perhaps observe things about yourself without judging them so quickly.
Love you.
Your blog is not complete without at least one instance of yo dawg
Yeah that's not necessarily how I would put my actual feelings if I wasn't in a very strange mood at the time.
#1 - Reason why I'm not in a band, among other things.
#2 = exactly how I feel about writing, as well as most things. Regardless of validity or anything somebody else says (good or bad), my own mind cannot approve of things I do, particularly when it comes to music. I didn't realize we both felt that way, dawg.
#3 - you're more conscious than most people. It sucks quite a bit of the time because it means you'll constantly overanalyze yourself and others in your own head (me = guilty of this, too), but I guarantee it makes you a far more interesting individual, too.
#4 - I've never noticed you craving attention, but that's just my own observation.
You skipped 5!
#6 - We all only exist to extent that we hear our own footsteps, see ourselves in the mirror when we check, and can feel our own skin when it touches itself or something else. We exist only to exist to everyone, including ourselves, if that makes any sense.
#7 - I don't think you lack a real personality. But I mean, we all have different personalities alone than we do with everyone else, so maybe our alone personalities sometimes feel too weak to carry themselves without some help from our favorite songs.
#8 - Free at last, free at last!
#9 - I love your dad.
#10 - What mental limitations? :)
#11 - I agree.
I know you're not requesting responses to each of these, or any at all, but I lub you and I think we need to have more big conversations where we can discuss all this business, or at least try.
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